internal stress

Hi, I’m Manders and boy do I stress the hell out.

Currently, I have “a really bad viral upper respiratory infection,” with the ER doctor telling me I should feel better in a few days and it should go away in about a week or two. Why did I go to the ER? Because we currently don’t have insurance and our local ER has gotten immensely better than it used to be by leaps and bounds.

We got home and…our insurance cards were in the mail. Go figure.

Happy holidays to me: I am sick, with a URI that seems like it came out of nowhere; it hurts to breathe, move, cough; I’ve been out of work for two days (right before a major American holiday) and have the possibility of being fired looming over me, it’s hard to talk.

I was going to work on writing, because my brain issues are doing well enough for me to tiptoe within the realm of scary things (haven’t listened to the new NoSleep yet, but I’ve been listening to M R James and Discworld audiobooks. they’re light and they help).

I started working on a small blanket that I was hoping I’d have a few more inches done on because the idea of it is pretty cool, but I haven’t touched it in the entire time I’ve felt like crap. I have the scarf that I’ve been working on like right on the edge of being done and it’s…just sitting here on the printer.

I’m worried about my job, but in the way of: we have so many orders for this weekend this year (so many more orders than last year! I am super proud of us), and I am so afraid of how messed up they’re going to be. We have a huge order on Christmas Eve and I’m going to be off by the time it’s supposed to be made and due that I am so worried that they’re going to fuck it up (in fact, I know they’re going to fuck it up).

I’m worried I’m going to be fired because I’ve been out these two days and it’s the holiday weekend and my job is weird when it comes to doctor notes (they take them one day and then won’t the next, it’s really weird). And it doesn’t really matter that I’m literally the only one besides Ajax who will get our freight. I’m the only one who will dig through the other freezer for our shit, I feel like I’m the only one who has to repeatedly state “Stop ordering [X]! We have too much.” when I’m staring at like 3 cases of the same item that doesn’t really sell and they’re talking about ordering more.

I told Jamie yesterday that my plan is to see if I can re-go to the doctor I found as a PCP and since it’s been a few years, see if he’ll take me as a “new patient” again and then get a referral to go back to Susan because Susan is awesome (and didn’t threaten to lock me in the psych ward like the student did) and see if I can get back on a certain perscription which I found helped level me out (like keep my anger levels in check). And, on top of that, going to see Andy for some cognitive things because I love Andy. Andy is the best person ever. Andy taught Jamie EFT and I’ve done a little bit of EFT and it does not help me, and I know Andy knows all kinds of cool ways to work through things without the help of synthetic substances (and he gave me my super cool tarot deck)

And really, just being near Andy helps everyone feel better. He gives off such a great vibe.

So. My usual internally-stressing about everything is also probably part of the problem (because excess stress causes the muscle of my heart to grate against the lining because of course it does) and I am not good with dealing with stress. I have a tendency to do the “ignore it and it will go away” thing until I’m too stressed out because my coworkers are idiots who don’t listen and then I stress about things at home (e.g: omg this needs to be done and that needs to be done and I haven’t done this yet because this is going on and now the bedroom is a disaster how the hell did that happen and why is there stuff everywhere and fuck I need to sweep, etc etc)