Putting energy elsewhere

The day before yesterday was pretty awful and brought some realization that I needed reminding of. But, I’d prefer to not talk about it. Honestly, I’d prefer to forget it and just continue getting away from everything that happened then.

After the day before yesterday, I went: Fuck this, fuck them, fuck this fucking bullshit, if they don’t appreciate it then to fuck with them. I know I’m better than that fucking bullshit so fuck them if they want to do this and I’ll put my fucking energy elsewhere because fuck this bullshit.

Yesterday’s attitude had that in the background and it helped a lot.

So, I’m going to put my energy into what  want to have done. I’m going to get this book finished, I’m going to work on this novella and finish it, I’m going to get this knit blanket finished (I hit the halfway point the other day and now I’m like 20 rows into the second half! I am excite). I’m going to make those blankets I want to make. I’m going to make those fursuits I want to make. I’m going to make those costumes I want to make. I’m going to work on those stories that keep bouncing around in my head.

I am going to put my energy into my writing and my art and fuck them.

I told Jamie about my thoughts and he’s all about it and I have found that I feel much better so I’m going to try to keep this attitude up for a bit. Because I know I’m better than this and I don’t need any outside bullshit fucking with my already borked brain. It does a good enough job as it is fucking with me, I so do not need others adding onto it.

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Short vacation?

. “Snow is coming. Sometime between Friday and Monday. Might be flurries, might be 20+ inches” blah blah blah

We have a chance of snow sometime between tonight and sometime Sunday. I’d like a day off, that’d be nice. Jamie’s hoping for snow so his classes are canceled because they scheduled him right before a major holiday to go attend these things. A friend of mine keeps gleefully giving me updates because she loves snow and I don’t. (Yes it is nice, while I am hiding in the warmth of my house wearing pjs and using a blanket as a cape and it is out there while I don’t have to go anywhere)

. Jamie volunteered to booth babe for a friend of ours tomorrow. He also said that he’d bring stuff for the bake sale that is part of the event (large adoption event, bake sale, raffle, vendors, pets) so yesterday I spent time working on things and today I’ve got to finish up with stuff (finishing up cake pops and icing all the cupcakes I made), Jamie is determined to make pumpkin bread, and we’ve got to package everything.

. I left Hobbes out while I baked, he was very pleased with the peanut butter dog treats I was working on. Cricket and Bug decided to trill their unhappiness at me and every so often Firefly would huff at me because the girls were in their room and Hobbes was my baking buddy.

. Yesterday was a bad brain day that started at about 12.30 am after a weird nightmare that even made me go “nope I am not using that for a story base” (but I might? I don’t know, it involved eyeballs), going into another nightmare, and being woken up by something beeping in the bedroom before something started tapping on the bedroom window beside my head.

Yeah, hello bad brain day. I made Jamie check outside after he got up for work.

He didn’t see anything. I still booed the hell out of doing stuff.

. I have not written, which is fine.

. I am working on a new shawl (approximately 50 rows left) to see how symmetrical works instead of my normal asymmetrical style does.

. I’m having to take a small break from my normal horror listening, because of yesterday, and realized that I am like 5 episodes behind on Productivity Alchemy.

. And now I get notified that Upper Management is coming today, no ones done freight for my department (because only Ajax and I do it and he’s learning to not trust Weeaboo to do it cuz he takes an hour just to get four boxes), and I’m just…resigned to working until I’m too exhausted to move.

This is how I got into a bad brain day yesterday.

I’m going to have to change my availability cuz I can’t keep doing this.

Have a pic of dog cookies. New thrown together recipe, which Hobbes is a fan of.

I’m tired y’all

So I can definitely say that I am not going to have this book idea done by the end of the month, and honestly, I’m ok with that. I haven’t worked on any writing and I think I’ve made it past the halfway point on Blanket2.0.

But I’m tired.

Yesterday took about a week to get through and today only seems better because I have the day off so I can actually get some house work done.

Yesterday we had a surprise visit from one of the upper managers, which caused The Queen to freak out because she was trying to leave and I was just waiting on this upper manager to come into my department and demand to know why the cooler door was open (because I can’t fit our racks, this cart of freight, and myself into the cooler. I don’t have the room). I was trying to put our freight up, which was a crazy amount because we’re trying to gear up for this week, and that put me behind on everything else.

I hate this season, I really do. It’s stressful as hell and we spend all of our energy at work so by the time we get home, we’re exhausted and do the bare minimum.

I’d love to say that we have about a month left of this, but that doesn’t take into account new years eve. Some departments will be winding down, but not us. This is what we get for busting ass and trying to make our department better (and I’m proud of us, we’ve worked really hard to make our department better.) Hell, chances are, we probably won’t even begin winding down until after Super Bowl (and fuck that, I’m going to ask for that day off as soon as I can because I do not want to deal with that.)

Now I’ve got to check to see if the neighborhood kids are gone to school so I can let the dogs out so I can work on cleaning their room.

It’s a cleaning day

I have found that Faustus likes to lay on my finished knitting stuff. He’s my basement buddy and helps me stay calm/centered if my brain decides to go extra weird on me. If I’m doing good, he goes and lays in the opened tote I have of finished shawls and is just the happiest little asshole of a cat he can be.

And now back to cleaning. We’re working on doing regular housework along with other things like Jamie rearranging the cabinets and pantry and I’ve got to go and finish hacking away at the elderberry beside the fence. I think it’s great we’ve got elderberry, and I find it hilarious that it’s shown up during a very busy and stressful year so I can’t take advantage of the Surprise!bounty.

feel the burn

I had a Shiatsu massage yesterday. First time in…six years (I didn’t believe it, but they looked at the records and it’d been 6 freaken years since I was able to get one!)

Shiatsu is amazing. You basically get the snot beaten out of you by a licensed professional in order to feel better. The majority of stiffness/pain doesn’t usually show up until the next day.

Today is that next day and I realize that I cannot bounce back from the massage like I once did. Especially after getting your neck/skull realigned because you’re turning into a human turtle without meaning to. Also getting your shoulders popped back into the correct place is weird as hell.

But, it is pretty amazing to learn that something gristle-like hanging out on your rib getting pushed apart will make the pain in your elbow stop. It’s pretty neat.

The downside is, we both learned that my left side is weird. We’d thought it was just my left foot and ankle that’s messed up (yay swollen foot for like…4 years), but no. It’s my entire left side that is puffier to the point where even my ribs show a difference.

The human body is weird.

And we both learned that my left arm doesn’t move in a certain direction. This is due to the arm being pulled out of socket when I was like 3 or 4. I have no memory of what happened and every time Mom has talked about it, she’s ended up in tears so I have no idea to what extent the damage was. The best way to describe it is: y’know that “skin the cat” move you can do on the monkey bars when you’re a kid? You hang onto the bar, get your feet through the hole that your arms create, and basically do a flip while holding onto the bar. Yeah, I can’t do that. It causes an extreme amount of pain.

Anyway.

I was told that I needed to adopt a Herculean stance in order to make sure my ribs don’t try to go weird and so it can help my shoulders. I was also informed that I need to make sure I take the time to bend my neck upwards, and not just when I realize my neck hurts from looking down too much. And, I need to get a mouth guard because my gritting/grinding is causing my jaw to go out of alignment and is also causing a majority of the pain at the base of my skull.

I’ve been actively trying to stop gritting my teeth. It’s something I do when I’m mad or even subconsciously and I don’t realize until I feel the pressure in my temples. So I’ve been trying to do the whole “drop/loosen your shoulders, make sure your teeth are apart” thing.

 

It’s a dreary day out there

Rain came back yesterday with Flash Flood warnings, and apparently we’re supposed to get hit with more rain as the week continues. The heavy rain yesterday and constant drizzle today reminded us that, when the rain hits the right way, part of our roof leaks. It’s strange as hell, but something that we’re kind of used to. It’s not a massive leak, more like “why is the floor damp?” It’s like going into the basement and realizing there is a thin layer of water on the floor from where the rain’s come in from up under the door leading to the back yard. But, this is an “old house” (first part built somewhere between 1900 and 1930, last addition to the house was plopped on about…2002? It was a few years before we moved in)

Jamie’s determined to make today an Art Day, which I am all for, so he’s been sketching out a few things in between doing some basic cleaning (and making food). I like his sketches, they’re fun.

I spent a few minutes trying to straighten out SuperSekritProject in hopes of getting a decent photo of it and re-measured it. On the loom, it had measured approximately 42×60, but having it on the bed, it measured approximately 50×30. I’m going to stick with the original approximation because, while it’s off the loom, it’s not blocked. I don’t have an area where I can block a yarn project (I also don’t have materials to block a yarn project), and it’s been rolling up onto itself. I figure I can give it to the unsuspecting recipient and they can do what the want with it. Tie a ribbon around it and be done. I got a few photos of it, so that’s fine with me.

I’m washing the last of the fabric that needs to be washed. I should’ve done it months ago, but…yeah. It didn’t happen. But I’m glad I did it today because apparently the bottom bolt soaked up a lot of rain water and that needed to be taken care of before mold set in. Now I just need to figure out where I’m going to put the last 4 pieces. Jamie wants it all to go into totes (we don’t have enough) and I’m just like “Ok” and work around it.

I started on a new shawl with a skein of yarn Jamie found for like a dollar. I wasn’t sure about it at first (because it’s this pink to blue kind of yarn and the skein makes it look kinda weird), but now that I’ve gone through 3 different colours, it’s looking pretty cool and I’m pleased with it.

Writing has…devolved into me just making random notes to myself. I did add a sentence onto one story before going “stuff happens here,” writing another sentence, and then writing “blah blah blah, fancy journalism here.” before giving up and going back to the documentary I was listening to/watching. Hey, it happens. I’ll see if the next time I go look at it, this will help me move on instead of dwelling on what to put down and then that way I can continue writing. I go from point A to point B, I don’t go point A to point C to point B. It’s hard for me, but maybe this whole “insert ____ here” will help.