More solidified decisions

Small update for writing:

Since I’m tired of telling myself (and everyone else), I’mma write a book, I’m going to stop trying to figure out what I’m going to do for the 13th story for the self-pub collection.

12 stories is good enough and I’m ok with this.

12 stories sounds good to me.

I’ve decided what the title of the book is going to be (going back to a throwaway joke I made to Jamie.)

And now I’ve got to bug Jamie to do some cover sketches for me.


Putting energy elsewhere

The day before yesterday was pretty awful and brought some realization that I needed reminding of. But, I’d prefer to not talk about it. Honestly, I’d prefer to forget it and just continue getting away from everything that happened then.

After the day before yesterday, I went: Fuck this, fuck them, fuck this fucking bullshit, if they don’t appreciate it then to fuck with them. I know I’m better than that fucking bullshit so fuck them if they want to do this and I’ll put my fucking energy elsewhere because fuck this bullshit.

Yesterday’s attitude had that in the background and it helped a lot.

So, I’m going to put my energy into what  want to have done. I’m going to get this book finished, I’m going to work on this novella and finish it, I’m going to get this knit blanket finished (I hit the halfway point the other day and now I’m like 20 rows into the second half! I am excite). I’m going to make those blankets I want to make. I’m going to make those fursuits I want to make. I’m going to make those costumes I want to make. I’m going to work on those stories that keep bouncing around in my head.

I am going to put my energy into my writing and my art and fuck them.

I told Jamie about my thoughts and he’s all about it and I have found that I feel much better so I’m going to try to keep this attitude up for a bit. Because I know I’m better than this and I don’t need any outside bullshit fucking with my already borked brain. It does a good enough job as it is fucking with me, I so do not need others adding onto it.

Mentally exhausted, physically sick

+ This past thursday, I told Jamie to take me to a doctor. For those of you who don’t know my extreme aversion to doctors, Jamie just went “Ok,” and hauled my ass to the ER due to the time it was when he got home and everything.

The plus side, it’s not pneumonia (this time), but the downside is yep, I really am sick and wound up missing two days of work (right before a major American holiday. not great for a retail worker). Just a diagnosis and a reassurance that I “should feel better in about a week,” a release form and a doctor’s note and back home I went.

+ Today is Thursday! I still feel like hell, still hurts to breathe, etc. I’ve managed to be able to cough without feeling like I’ve broken a rib, but the crap I could feel in my left lung is slowly moving its way to being felt in the right lung, so it looks like I get to stay a sick little turtle for a while longer.

+ Being sick while working my department is…an experience. Especially when you’ve got 5 pallets of freight that no one has bothered to work . Yesterday I found that one of the pallets was re-wrapped and stuck up on the top of the racks to get it out of the way, one pallet is…like twice a tall as I am and shoved in a corner out of the way, and there is a running joke about me doing freight (because I’m the only one who does it and if I’m off or sick or just busy, it’s not getting done).  I had to repeatedly tell The Queen to stop ordering things.

At least on the plus side we’re set for New Years/Superbowl?

+ Ajax mentioned maybe getting “one of the others” to work the pallet of freight he brought in and I just kinda laughed at him. Really? The new girl who won’t do anything even if it’s a direct order. Timid, who, while getting better at things, couldn’t find the broad side of a barn even if he was staring at it (he’s a good kid though). Weeaboo, who spends an hour getting four boxes and then just fucks off for ten minutes staring at the holes on our shelves before taking them back. No, I’ll do it myself, thanks.


+ I have lost Bug and Cricket’s rabies paperwork, so I’ll only be able to get Firefly and Hobbes’ tags for next year (which is ok? I mean, they’re the two Houndini dogs we have) and if I can’t find the paperwork, I have to get in touch with Anita to see if we got them vaccinated with her and if we didn’t, we’ll have to wrangle the two wiggle monsters into the car at some point and cart them off to see their most favorite people in the whole world.

+ Speaking of vet stuff, I need to get Bug checked anyway because she now has a small lump on her back, which Jamie was able to get some goop out of  but it’s still nasty. And I have to find out the best glucosimine tablets for her (yay tripods) and Hobbes because she’s being limpy and he’s starting to have a hard time curling up for naps.

omg my dogs are getting old.

my pitbulls are getting old.

I also need to see if I can get the mass removed from Hobbes’ ankle/knee joint because it’s starting to impede his sitting properly (it’s a fatty tumor, because he’s an american bulldog/pitbull mix) or at least see if it’s able to be drained or something.

+ I am slowly making my way to the halfway mark of the blanket I’m working on. This thing is going to be…huge? warm? Something. I am loving the hell out of the colour gradient, but it’s shit when trying to get the camera to pick up the colour variances. I like it. Hopefully I’ll have it done fairly quickly so I can get a photo of the finished product.

+ I thought about volunteering as tribute for Productivity Alchemy, but I’m also like…not that productive? I don’t make plans? (plans are terrible) There’s the high likelihood of me not having a job in the next couple weeks? (yay for getting sick)

I got caught up on Productivity Alchemy (I loves the podcast) and I thought it’d be cool to go through. I mean, work is pretty stringent with things being done in a fairly timely manner (unless you count closing shift because those idiots don’t cook unless they get a customer coming up and ordering something) and for non-work, I make one thing and then go to the next thing.

I think the idea of volunteering as tribute would be cool. I haven’t heard any retail monkeys come on, but I do know there is currently a backlog of interviews so that’s cool too.

+ Fuck it. I need to put on pants and go pay for two of the four rabies tags and then come home and work on housework and laundry and letting the beasts out so I can have some extra snuggle time with my dogs. And I need to check on the cinnamon ornaments.

internal stress

Hi, I’m Manders and boy do I stress the hell out.

Currently, I have “a really bad viral upper respiratory infection,” with the ER doctor telling me I should feel better in a few days and it should go away in about a week or two. Why did I go to the ER? Because we currently don’t have insurance and our local ER has gotten immensely better than it used to be by leaps and bounds.

We got home and…our insurance cards were in the mail. Go figure.

Happy holidays to me: I am sick, with a URI that seems like it came out of nowhere; it hurts to breathe, move, cough; I’ve been out of work for two days (right before a major American holiday) and have the possibility of being fired looming over me, it’s hard to talk.

I was going to work on writing, because my brain issues are doing well enough for me to tiptoe within the realm of scary things (haven’t listened to the new NoSleep yet, but I’ve been listening to M R James and Discworld audiobooks. they’re light and they help).

I started working on a small blanket that I was hoping I’d have a few more inches done on because the idea of it is pretty cool, but I haven’t touched it in the entire time I’ve felt like crap. I have the scarf that I’ve been working on like right on the edge of being done and it’s…just sitting here on the printer.

I’m worried about my job, but in the way of: we have so many orders for this weekend this year (so many more orders than last year! I am super proud of us), and I am so afraid of how messed up they’re going to be. We have a huge order on Christmas Eve and I’m going to be off by the time it’s supposed to be made and due that I am so worried that they’re going to fuck it up (in fact, I know they’re going to fuck it up).

I’m worried I’m going to be fired because I’ve been out these two days and it’s the holiday weekend and my job is weird when it comes to doctor notes (they take them one day and then won’t the next, it’s really weird). And it doesn’t really matter that I’m literally the only one besides Ajax who will get our freight. I’m the only one who will dig through the other freezer for our shit, I feel like I’m the only one who has to repeatedly state “Stop ordering [X]! We have too much.” when I’m staring at like 3 cases of the same item that doesn’t really sell and they’re talking about ordering more.

I told Jamie yesterday that my plan is to see if I can re-go to the doctor I found as a PCP and since it’s been a few years, see if he’ll take me as a “new patient” again and then get a referral to go back to Susan because Susan is awesome (and didn’t threaten to lock me in the psych ward like the student did) and see if I can get back on a certain perscription which I found helped level me out (like keep my anger levels in check). And, on top of that, going to see Andy for some cognitive things because I love Andy. Andy is the best person ever. Andy taught Jamie EFT and I’ve done a little bit of EFT and it does not help me, and I know Andy knows all kinds of cool ways to work through things without the help of synthetic substances (and he gave me my super cool tarot deck)

And really, just being near Andy helps everyone feel better. He gives off such a great vibe.

So. My usual internally-stressing about everything is also probably part of the problem (because excess stress causes the muscle of my heart to grate against the lining because of course it does) and I am not good with dealing with stress. I have a tendency to do the “ignore it and it will go away” thing until I’m too stressed out because my coworkers are idiots who don’t listen and then I stress about things at home (e.g: omg this needs to be done and that needs to be done and I haven’t done this yet because this is going on and now the bedroom is a disaster how the hell did that happen and why is there stuff everywhere and fuck I need to sweep, etc etc)

Cold knitting

It snowed a few days ago. It was weird as shit, like we time jumped back to the mid 90s (for real. We rarely get this much snow so early in December)

I wanted to share a pic of a scarf I started because I am not writing right now (a mixture of this overwhelming season and teetering in the edge of another bad brain day)

It took a few moments to get a decent shot because it’s so bright it washed out in the initial photo.

Behold the brightness!!

Short vacation?

. “Snow is coming. Sometime between Friday and Monday. Might be flurries, might be 20+ inches” blah blah blah

We have a chance of snow sometime between tonight and sometime Sunday. I’d like a day off, that’d be nice. Jamie’s hoping for snow so his classes are canceled because they scheduled him right before a major holiday to go attend these things. A friend of mine keeps gleefully giving me updates because she loves snow and I don’t. (Yes it is nice, while I am hiding in the warmth of my house wearing pjs and using a blanket as a cape and it is out there while I don’t have to go anywhere)

. Jamie volunteered to booth babe for a friend of ours tomorrow. He also said that he’d bring stuff for the bake sale that is part of the event (large adoption event, bake sale, raffle, vendors, pets) so yesterday I spent time working on things and today I’ve got to finish up with stuff (finishing up cake pops and icing all the cupcakes I made), Jamie is determined to make pumpkin bread, and we’ve got to package everything.

. I left Hobbes out while I baked, he was very pleased with the peanut butter dog treats I was working on. Cricket and Bug decided to trill their unhappiness at me and every so often Firefly would huff at me because the girls were in their room and Hobbes was my baking buddy.

. Yesterday was a bad brain day that started at about 12.30 am after a weird nightmare that even made me go “nope I am not using that for a story base” (but I might? I don’t know, it involved eyeballs), going into another nightmare, and being woken up by something beeping in the bedroom before something started tapping on the bedroom window beside my head.

Yeah, hello bad brain day. I made Jamie check outside after he got up for work.

He didn’t see anything. I still booed the hell out of doing stuff.

. I have not written, which is fine.

. I am working on a new shawl (approximately 50 rows left) to see how symmetrical works instead of my normal asymmetrical style does.

. I’m having to take a small break from my normal horror listening, because of yesterday, and realized that I am like 5 episodes behind on Productivity Alchemy.

. And now I get notified that Upper Management is coming today, no ones done freight for my department (because only Ajax and I do it and he’s learning to not trust Weeaboo to do it cuz he takes an hour just to get four boxes), and I’m just…resigned to working until I’m too exhausted to move.

This is how I got into a bad brain day yesterday.

I’m going to have to change my availability cuz I can’t keep doing this.

Have a pic of dog cookies. New thrown together recipe, which Hobbes is a fan of.

Deadline fail

I failed my self-imposed deadline and I am ok with this. Why? Because I work retail and I’m an idiot for thinking I’ll be getting all of this stuff done by the end of November.

Will I be setting a new deadline for myself for “end of the year”? No, no I will not.

But why?

Because I am exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted. I work retail (in the reject department because we are constantly getting the shit-end of things), this is a huge season for everyone who works retail, and the running back and forth is causing more joint pain (the explosive anger that I’ve worked hard to tap down and not do has been rearing up more and more often).

And Faustus died. My basement buddy for laundry, Jamie’s gaming buddy, my big-headed snuggle monster died unexpectedly on Friday and we’re taking it hard. Jamie’s torn up about it and Snooch is super confused and I’m constantly expecting Faust to be sitting on the dryer making his “meh” noises at me.

Everything’s kind of…exhausting in general. By the time we get a day off, we’re having to do housework that we’d ignored throughout the week. It’s a never ending cycle.

On a lighter note::

+ December 1st started my light trolling of people who are on my fb list with random Christmas songs.

Hey, if I have to listen to the same Mariah Carey song 15 times a day, then they get to deal with a random youtube video of various songs.

December 1st started us with the classic “I’m Dreaming of a Dead City” by HPLHS.

+ I decided to finally take a deep breath and see if I could actually thread my sewing machine (yeah, the sewing machine Jamie bought me years ago that I threatened to break every time I went to try to thread the damn thing. It’s one of the fancier ones that has like 50 different stitch options including like 6 button hole options) and I was able to successfully do it. Go me.

Then I realized that it didn’t have the power cord with it and remembered that we might’ve thrown it away because we were going through various cords not too long ago to see what goes where and found a cord we couldn’t remember where it went. Well, the cord didn’t get thrown away and it works.

It turns on! It has a light!